Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Uprooted and Upturned--What's Next?

It's 11:16pm on a Monday night, and I'm having trouble sleeping. I have some things to get off my chest.

I have work tomorrow, you know. And I really ought to get to bed, but it's not happening for me. Not yet, anyway.

Change is a strange, ever-evolving process with steps and emotions that I, personally, cannot seem to predict or anticipate very well. After two years of nothing but altering circumstances, you'd think I'd be an expert by now. But holy cracker jacks...you'd be wrong.

Lately, something strange is happening to me. I seem to be getting... angry.

And not angry at any one particular thing as much as an all around, generalized angry...like said emotion has been hiding out for most of my life and now it's just done hibernating.

I guess maybe I'm letting it.

Those self-repressive aspects of me are spilling out of their own accord, along with every other kind of difficult, negative feeling, which, from a personal standpoint, is a nightmare and it's wearing me out. But from more of a deliberate observer's standpoint, it's completely fascinating, too.

Maybe it's some kind of test of my will or race I have to run to see how strong I really am. Or maybe everything is hitting me properly, now that I'm detached and away from all familiarity. But I would take it up a level. The last two years have been an unthinkable haze. A strange sort discombobulation of everything I thought I'd been... floating all around me and out of reach, with my own psyche grasping to hold it all together somehow.

And then, you know, for shits and grins, I moved two-thousand, two-hundred miles away...and boy, if I thought life's machete was hacking at the bamboo of my identity before, it's really trying me now! (How'd you like that metaphor? Not bad for midnight, eh?)

The only way I can describe this is as follows: The Official Mime in the sky seems to have plucked my spiritual insides out, juggled them around enthusiastically, let a few pieces fall to the ground, and then set the remaining bits back inside me...in a new, maddening, frightening order.

The whole thing has me going cross-eyed, as half of me wants to be left alone, wants to run off to the wilderness and build a hut and eat grubs. (Ok, nix the grubs. Maybe some berries and trout or something.) And then there's the other part of me--the part that misses my old friends, that wants an established connection with new ones and is terribly lonely--that seems in direct conflict with the whole "alone in the wild eating tree bark" concept. Yet, somefreakinghow they both seem to be inhabiting space in my soul at the moment, and to say I'm a bit torn is putting it lightly.

Anyway, every day I reach a point where I wonder whether I'm heads or tails. And everything is raw and much more honest. Brutally so. In fact, honesty with myself and with others, and a pull toward utter authenticity is coming into play very strongly and I suspect, albeit nervously, that it might end up incidentally eliminating some things from my life that may no longer be good for me.

Another consequence of this crazy time is that I'm severely losing tolerance for anything less than what I'm called to do, which makes the every day routine feel painful, and contributes to a  grumpy and stressed out Jen!  I've been thinking, what the hell, God? I had to part with so much, I had to let it all go and grieve everything. It's been two years and I've come so far, right? So what now? Where do I go from here? What's the next step??? HELP! SOS!!! *wags finger* I am NOT happy, Universe!

And therein lies a part off my answer, I think. Because it occurred to me as I sat at work today that unhappiness is not an affliction. It's a weapon--it's a tool that life uses to keep us from feeling too safe and too comfy and eternally neglecting to pursue our highest good.

Life must have be sick of waiting for me to sort through my emo complaints, as of late, because it sent me a telegram in the form of a friend the other day who set me on the path of figuring out what in the world was wrong with me, when, in the midst of my inner shit-storm, said friend (who shall remain nameless) had some sort of miraculous breakthrough.

Let me paint this picture.

Out of the blue and in the middle of a benign conversation, she says to me: "Why are you screaming?"

My response was roughly: "Huh?"

"I've never known you like this before. Why are you screaming?"

Now...bear in mind that I had no clue what in the &^#%$ she was talking about for a moment, because I certainly hadn't been screaming at anyone, let alone her. But that wasn't what she'd meant. She'd meant emotionally screaming. And I was stunned.

Somehow she'd known what was going on, she sensed (apparently quite strongly) what I hadn't shared with anyone but my BFF way off in Missouri. And then she went on to tell me that she couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to be alone, that I needed to be strong, and that I was undergoing some kind of a test. She was worried about me. (ZOMG?!) 

Hoookay. First of all, that was a little too accurate for comfort, but the conversation that unraveled as a consequence restored a spark of hope--probably even delivered an answer to my massive "where do I go, what do I do from here?" question.

I now have a plan, and it's one that cracks me up, but it's a plan nonetheless.

My friend, who shall still remain nameless, reminded me that I ought to be using ALL of my talents...including those which I might have been deliberately avoiding...as a stepping stone to get exactly what I wanted. And while I have no idea how it will work out, I have a strong suspicion that is will, if I stay the course.

I got mad at life.


I'm STILL mad, actually. I've told the Universe what's what and demanded answers. And now that my compass seems to be spinning back to life, I'll just ride that wave of hope as far as it'll take me.

And yes, I will have to leave you in suspense about what that course of action is--for now--but I will say that it involves writing. :)

Deepak Chopra says that "all great changes are preceded by chaos", and I'm counting on him being right.

Thanks for listening. I think I can sleep now.



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