How many people actually use their blogs for old school journaling anymore? Sometimes I feel like the only one who's putting vulnerable and/or personal truths up here...but then I remember that you guys like that, so I proceed accordingly.
Along those lines, I have a lot of intense conversations with my roommate. She’s one of those incredibly rare people who seems to exactly match me emotionally and intellectually, and she knows everything about me. This is invaluable, even if we’re up until 2am talking and I feel like death the next day because of it. We have similar war stories and similar hearts. And recently, during a discussion about obstacles overcome, the conversation turned to her asking what’s in me that continually gave strength, that allowed me to thrive. She asked if I realized that other people who grew up in similar positions with similar weights on their shoulders often ended up getting into massive trouble, doing drugs or the like, wrecking their lives just trying to cope with the wreckage. But she was stunned that both myself and my little sister (who is studying to be a nun and a music teacher and is a remarkable soul) had this peaceful strength and quiet resilience that no one else around seemed to have. She wanted to know where that came from. She said it felt like some kind of knowing or determination at the root of us that stood planted, no matter how painfully our branches were torn at by storms.
I thought about this. It confused me, because I was often scared shitless in life, feeling like a lone woman on an island trying to hold it all up on my own, and how could I seem strong to others when I felt so afraid inside? And I wondered what is was all about. What had made us keep it together, from craziness to heartache right through to adulthood without being shaken too much? With a desire to continually grow instead of hide? What was it and where the heck had it come from? And I thought back to being a kid, and how I’d looked to the future, how I’d counted on it, how I’d built it up in my head and heart, how I dreamed about it, certain that it would be every bit as glorious as my present was dark. I had a natural passion for anything involving being alive, for the potential of life. Circumstances would whack at our spirits daily, try and break us, but somehow they never took away our hope or enthusiasm. It’s not to say we didn’t come away with shrapnel…because who doesn’t? But we could have been blown apart completely. And here we are, whole.
Was it a God? Is it a sense of purpose? Little sister and I both always had a potent one of those, too. Until that night and conversation with my friend, I had never fully realized this about myself. I was scared, but apparently I was also resilient as hell. Sometimes we can’t even see who we are until others point it out to us.
I’m really grateful to whatever made us strong, be it nature or some kind of wiser force. And lately I’ve been filled with this extra pump of determination to launch my life through the roof of possibility, so the insight came at the right time. I think about this quote a lot---it's one of my favorites:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” ~Marianne Williamson
I'm not actually scared of my light, but I don't know that I always appreciated it. So here's to harnessing that inner strength and using it to take over the world. (In the best way possible, of course. ;) )