Friday, August 27, 2010

Okay universe, which way is up?

So, shall I be honest with you all?

Sure, why not. I'm told I wear my sappy old heart on my sleeve, anyway, and I'll just bet a heck of a lot of you have been through this yourself. A blog is for blogging, after all, and sometimes that means talking about your life... GASP... I know, it's not just all about when the next book comes out, some cool event or whatnot. Sometimes, you just want to analyze life with the help of your friends.

Right, so that brings me to the point (which I am shamelessly skirting...notice?) The point is, my life has entered what one would call a bit of turbulence. Okay, let me append this. The plane has broken apart, and I am now free falling through hundreds of feet of pure air while the hard, painful ground speeds ever menacingly toward me. Or wait... is that a body of water? Am I saved?? Shall I just weather the injuries and swim for my life??

Are you finished with the nonsensical symbolism now? Good, me too. What I'm trying to force out is the fact that my relationship of about ten years, hell, just say marriage, has ended, and my heart is broken. I feel like I'm back at square one in my life all over again... abruptly and unnervingly. Everything you work for as a couple, all the memories built, the walls painted, the artwork chosen, etc, etc, every object you look at has a memory attached to it, and it's a lot like someone dying. It's painful in the extreme, and I float between anger/fear/pain and hope/courage constantly. I'm on my own, now, though friends and family insist otherwise. But it's true. I have to untangle my life from someone else and re-learn how to be single... how to be alone. Sound familiar to any of you? I'm sure it does.

I love hard, you see. Once I'm in, I'm in. So, having to acknowledge defeat is super crazy hard for me. But, somewhere deep down, buried under all the yucky emotion, some kind of voice of reason is telling me that I haven't been defeated--that maybe it's those things that I thought I was, that I thought I wanted, that I may have been ten years ago are defeated. Maybe the only thing left for me to defeat is my fear.

The plan, now, is to move out of my current state in the next few months (literally and figuratively), and do some traveling. Not too sure how little old me will afford this, what with leaving my job and hardly having any savings to take with me, but I'm going to do something I think the universe is just screaming for me to do--take a fucking risk already. Just, break free, trust and have faith that I'll find the means to make it solo, now that the pages of the life I knew are turned.

I suppose it's wise to jump into my books, my music, my editing. Those things are who I am, because they are in my heart, and no one can take that away from me. If I can pick up enough freelance editing work, I'll probably be able to eek by traveling around and writing for a while. In the mean time, if you have good energy to send, perhaps you'll spare a bit for me? I'm entering one of those soul changing kicks in the ass that life serves up when it's time to move on to the next phase. The universe knows what the hell it's doing--but I don't. So, here's to trust and patience and brave steps. And here's to seeing you on the road!

Love you all,
Jen

20 comments:

Jessica said...

Aw Jen....first of as large a virtual hug as I can muster! I'm so sorry. I'm in a relationship that is coming up on 8 years, I know how much you get invested and how hard it would be to let go. My last relationship of 4 years ended badly and I was wounded then. Have I mentioned hugs?

My very wise mom told me that the best way to figure out what YOU want is to listen to your heart. If your heart is telling you to travel, screw your head! Take that step, venture out, do what makes you happy. It'll all work out in the end, but you need this time to heal and feel whole again.

From a person who only knows you via the Internet and still whole heartedly adores you, I have faith in you. You're a strong and amazing person. You can do this! And of course if you ever need a pick me up, you always have us, your loving and gushing fans :).

Tracitalynne said...

My poor snuggly baby girl. <3 I have so much faith in you. It sounds like you already know all the wisdom I would have to give you.

Although I quite like the idea of you getting even more gushing fans. Gush! Gush! The world is waiting to fall at your lovely feet.

Subtle Pen said...

sending you hugs bb - i know this has been brewing for a while, but i'm so sorry it came down to this.

life is a risk - put your arms around it, embrace it, and the rewards will follow. now, if i could only take my own advice...

xoxox

Lisa said...

Awww, I'm so sorry, bb! It's so hard to know how to carry on when life takes an abrupt turn! I'm so glad you shared this with all of us! What else is this awesome community of women for, if not to share our lives together; and we all know that life includes ups and downs. Thank you for letting us be here for you during your "down" time!
If you haven't seen the movie: Eat, Love, Pray, then you might want to! I just saw it last night and I think you could find a lot of comfort in it! (Just PLEASE don't go run off to another country, okay?) <3
*SENDING VIRTUAL SQUEEZY HUGS!*
Lisa

Jen said...

Jess, Traci, Liz and Lisa... my sweet women. I love you all so. Truly. And you're right. It sucks, hardest thing I've ever done, but I WILL come out stronger for it, and I'm sure even more amazing things will come. Thank you for being there!

*circle cuddle*

CarolOates said...

Jen,
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I knew something was up from stalking you on FB and twitter, but I had no idea what. Sending lots of virtual hugs and good vibes from Ireland.

Jen said...

Right back to you, Carol. And I hear that tea and cider are ten times better there... I'll pretend I'm on the Emerald Isle, sipping warm malted beverages and eating biscuits.

IslandWoman221 said...

Enormous hugs! You are so right it is a death and should be mourned. And you are right embrace the change and be open to the hidden blessing the universe undoubtedly has in store for you! I think SubtlePen said it best! ;D

My mother points out that your realizations above put you so far ahead of the pack

With utmost emapthy and compassion and awe for your strength (even though you likely don't feel it at the moment!),

Diane

Jen said...

Diane,

I am sending you such a squeeze right now.

Jen

Jennifer Lane said...

Oh, Jen. That sucks. Really, truly sucks. Ten years of your life takes up a lot of space in your heart, and it probably feels like part of you is dying along with the relationship. Many of my friends say it takes a good year before they start feeling like themselves again following a divorce. However, I read a statistic in a book titled "The Good Divorce" that 50% of divorces are good divorces, meaning that the couple is better off apart then together. I'm hoping that will be true for you and for your ex-husband.

You might be traveling? If you can swing it, how about heading to Scotland? That's the best research I can think of for book three! Plus, I have loved reading the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon--she makes Scotland sound so fascinating! Jennifer xx

Jen said...

Jen,

I would LOVE to swing it to Scotland! lol. But, at this time, anyway, I don't see how that is possible. Who knows, though? Like I said, this life can throw some surprises at you. And yes, this will have to be a good divorce, because I love them so very much, regardless of what's happened.

xoxo
Jen

lissarbry said...

Oh, girl...I know just how you feel!! I divorced after 12 years and it was one of the most difficult yet best decisions of my life. It is hard to think about taking care of yourself when you have spent so many years taking care of others. Trust me when I say it does get better and after being divorced for five years, I am the happiest I have ever been. Remember, the easiest thing is rarely the best thing. It will take time to recover from the loss and the immense changes you will go through...it is almost like puberty all over again!! LOL I know you have lots of wonderful people to turn to and fans that love you. Stay strong...and come visit Sugar Land!!

Jen said...

*kisses* to Lissarbry.

Francine said...

Hi Jen

I can't remember how we met - probably a blog hop or blogfest!

Either way matters not a jot when a sister of writing is feeling down: miserable, gutted, wishing they could get up and kick some ass!

Believe it, things do get better, and a Mr Two is out there waiting on your smile. I met my number 2 after first marital breakup and we've been together 25yrs! So think heartbreak romance, write your dream outcome and "happen" (Yorkshire saying) the magic will fall from the stars.

best
F

Leany said...

... I really have only one word: WHAT?!? *boggled*

(And FYI, English/Irish tea IS better ;))

Anya said...

Jen I'm so sorry to hear that...I can't really say that I have experienced this too because I'm only 17 lol but I understand how you must feel...I think it's a great idea that you want to travel and I hope everything will work out for you and you get better!You are such a great person! :)

Hugs
Anya

Meghan said...

Love you, Jen! We're all thinking about you and pulling for you. We won't leave you hanging. All you have to do is ask. ::hugskisses::

Jen said...

Francine... I sure hope you're right about all of that. I'm counting on it, even. :)

Anya, you are such a sweetheart. Thank you for your kindness. xoxo

And Meghan, what would I do without you? Sigh, lol.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry, Jen. My thoughts are with you right now. Giants hugs, girlie.

Book Crazy Jenn said...

((GENTLE HUGS)) No words, I have no words, your a gentle beautiful soul - and ending a relationship is a hard, dark and hurtful thing...for such a gentle beautiful soul, it's going to be harder than it might if you were someone else...but it's because of your soul that I know you will survive, but not only that, that you will come away with more grace, and power than someone else.

You are strong Jen, I have seen it, who else could have gotten where you are? You have friends that love you, family that supports you and fans that would do anything for you...remember that, hold onto it, and try to enjoy the ride, pain and all!

You are loved!