The Strength to Be Vulnerable

I recently read a quote about it being beautiful when someone stays open-hearted and loving despite having had their heart broken to pieces more than once.

Aside from the idea of beauty, I think that it is actually really brave and strong to do this. In fact, I think that we confuse frightened, closed off people for strong ones. We often perceive someone who is stoic and shut down as being strong. But honestly, I know how much courage and inner determination it actually takes to stay open enough to love despite knowing the tremendous pain that can come with it. Think of the courage. Think of the fortitude of a heart willing to try again, even after it has been betrayed or smashed or traumatized on more than one occasion.

I always considered myself a relatively open-hearted person. But as I've learned in the last 6 years, my psyche had its limits. I've gotten older, I've gotten wiser and more cautious. And yet, I still realize how much I've had to learn and continue learning about discernment, recognizing harmful patterns, letting go, self love and boundaries. 

Each time I've gone through some kind of heartache I feared that I would never be able to open up again, the part of my heart allowing such feelings seemed damaged beyond repair. I truly feared that the open, passionate, loving me was broken and gone. And yet, I healed, with caveats, and time, and was able to try again. A miracle. 

I pray that this remains the case now. I pray (and I believe) that I still have that kind of strength. 

It's easy to close off and recoil in a shell of self-protection after life has hurt you so many times. But I don't want to do that. I don't always want what's easy. I want what's good, however that looks.

My hope is not to be a stoic, shut down ice figure. I don't want to become like the very people who have hurt me. I hope I will have learned the right things from life's tribulations. The key seems to be learning how to trust yourself and your own worth enough that you are confident you can remain open to love while still making sound judgments to take care of yourself. You care for yourself and love and choose yourself first. You set your standards and refuse to compromise what you deserve. And then when you come from a place of that, you feel a lot safer to risk your heart again. This is a lesson I wish I had understood when I was younger. It's also a lesson I wasn't experienced enough to grasp. When you love yourself enough, when you solidify your worth, standards and boundaries, you are much freer to love, knowing that if you have to, you can safely let go of what is not for you.

I've had to step up to this comprehension. This was a building process for me. Again I am humbled by life, humbled by what I did not know and what I continue to learn, about myself and others. I will never stop learning. There will always be wisdom to accrue. I accept that. My prayer for myself, and for everyone I care about, is that our hearts remain overflowing, while our spirits and backbones grow solid as deep tree roots in their worth.