Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Hooooo Boy

Here's what I know about my life right now.

1. I am alive.

2. I write books.

3. I like to sing and write songs

4. I love people--maybe a little too much.

That seems like a reasonable list, when I really look at it. But, the foundational things that have really defined my sense of safety... being in a long term relationship, a nice town home that I love, two pets and an expected future... those things are gone as the move has been completed and my ex and I are restablishing who and what we are on our own.

I'm now renting a cute little space, an ocean themed room separated from a friend's lake home by a garage and staircase, and I keep trying to feel at home and failing so miserably. Of course, it's not been long, only a few days, really, but my sense of loss and, dare I even say, abandoment of/by my own life is a good bit overwhelming in the moment. I find myself praying that it eases, even just a little, every day, and I'll admit that I haven't been doing much positive self talk or good energy building or optomistic thinking lately, but this is mostly due to the fact that I just plain haven't been able to. The end of the life I've known for the last decade is maddeningly harder to handle than I thought it would be. Things were a lot easier to handle when I was still in the home I knew, after all. That security really made the rose colored glasses more comfortable to wear.

SO, now what? For one, this crappy weather absolutely needs to let up. We need weeks of sun and warmth so that I can visit the dock and do some praying and soul searching. For another, I need to get internet connected somehow. I've run into some difficulties with that, at the present moment, and though I have access here at work, I'm going to have to do a little research to figure out how to make that happen where I am living. I shall, though. Where there's a will, after all.

It's just me and my little orange tabby and the decade of my thirties to either dread of look forward to. I will tell you what, there is no way I'm going to be defeated, but gosh, I need to get over this emo slump, because I love being happy, and this heartache business is pissing me off.

Anyway, I'll post pics of the living space as soon as it's doable, and maybe I'll do some video blogging, which I've wanted to pull off for a while now. I need a new project to keep me sane, I think. Plus, you know, there's the whole writing of book three thing, which, God grant me the inspiration to carry out further. I will see this book completed, my loves. You can bet on it.

I love you guys. I miss everyone. Wish me luck and pray for me on this new adventure in life. Little miss crabby/weepy pants here needs to get a grip ASAP.



Anaiz said...

Oh darling, I'm sure you'll get out of your funk soon enough and when you do you'll be stronger and wiser for it. I've never been in your situation so I can't say much other than I'm here for you if you ever need :):) *hugs*

Mason Canyon said...

You'll be great on this new adventure. Wishing you much happiness and keeping you in my prayers.

Thoughts in Progress

Jessica (Confessions of a Bookaholic) said...

Aww hun. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. :( I'll be thinking of you and wishing you the best. I hope that you feel settled into the new place soon as well. I know all that change at once has to be hard.

I'm always here to talk to if you feel the need to rant.


Kim said...

Sounds like a major undertaking and you are handling it just fine. Dont be so hard on yourself, you are human !

Nicki Elson said...

Oh, I so badly want to give you a hug! Listen, a couple years ago my sister was going through the same displacement sort of depression when she got pulled, all but kicking and screaming, across an ocean and away from her family. She's the kind of girl that had a meltdown any time my mom so much as changed the carpeting in our house so this was HUGE, and I won't lie, it took a while for her to come around, but she DID come around and now realizes all the many wonderful reasons the Lord took her life in that direction. There is a plan, even if we don't understand it.

So keep that faith, cry, let yourself FEEL and don't berate yourself for it. You will be happy again one day, you will. Have you seen the first Sex and the City movie (NOT the 2nd)? That's my prescription for you. ;) And I'm so happy, happy, happy to know orange tabby is with you!

And I've got something for one of my favorite writers---you---over at my blog today. :)