In the last few weeks, I've been sitting in kind of a dark place. A funk, so to speak. And it's had a good deal to do with the pending major life changes--uncertainties and such--that are about to take place in the next few months: a move, whether large or small, a new kind of life, one that I wasn't expecting or feeling at all prepared for, and one that's going to happen, whether I like it or not.
I think I like it, sometimes, but then other times I'm scared to death. "Scared to death" has been ruling the roost for a few weeks now, though I've been holding it at bay to some degree. The holidays always make it harder, though, especially in a divorce situation when you're looking around you and preparing to say goodbye to the way things have been, the memories associated with the holiday. And while I think I'm doing tolerably well with it all, the heaviness of divorce is only one consideration . The other is a more hopeful one, and I am praying, wishing, sitting in faith and hoping for it's fruition. See, now that I'll be me, myself and I, there's a whole opportunity to fully embrace the kind of life I've been aching for as long as I can remember. It doesn't just involve my books, though they are half of the equation. It also involves that little box to your right--the music players. See it? It's the one with me singing you lullabies. While most of you know me through my novels, the other half of my life aspiration has been a bit more inconspicuous. Now that everything's been flipped upside down, though, it seems like it's time for me to embrace both of my loves. A door closed is another one opened and all that, right? Here's what I want, what I've always wanted.
I want to spread positivity to a world that is absolutely crying for it. I want to write music, record music and sing to everyone who needs to feel uplifted, inspired and encouraged. And I see myself doing so in conjunction with my books, touring around, making a living creating and comforting and performing and writing. This is exactly what I've always felt called to do, even as a tiny little girl. Both of these things have always belonged together in my heart. Now, the question is, how do I stop asking how? That's right, you heard me. How do I take my own advice and stop obsessing over the hows? I know what I believe. I believe that you trust in a higher purpose, you manifest whatever you dream of by believing it to be true and feeling gratitude. Easy in theory, a bit trying in practice sometimes. I know I should sit here and envision myself with the things I need. A Macbook for recording music on Garage Band, a reliable car for touring, a strong, independent, single me... the basics. But, under it all, I still have to smack away that confounded "how". How, how, how.
Dear Oxford English Dictionary, can we do away with that word for the time being? It's doing me no good.
I have three months before I must move out of my home and figure out what the heck to do from there. And son of a gun if everything isn't screaming NOW'S THE TIME.
So, if the time is nearly upon me, can I quell that confounded "h" word and just believe that all will roll out perfectly? Can I find a way to kill any pessimism, to combat any negative thoughts, to hold only hope, peace and trust in the full journey of my life? I'd better, because this is my calling. This is me. I must do what I must do.
Screw you, how. Screw. You.
Peace and love. So much love,