I think that every nation starts to devolve and fall apart into explosion and ruin after enough time passes. Maybe it's human nature. Maybe the US has been riding the afterglow of its infant idealism and now its starting to turn on itself and crumble, as every great society has done throughout history, only to reform as something else, over and over again. Every more ancient country has endured ebbs of civilizations, free thought and intellect, only to be overrun with tyranny, back and forth, over and over. Many are more humble and less loud-mouthed now than the USA. And that's probably why. Human nature being what it's historically proven itself to be, are we really expecting America to act differently? Please.
Jen DeLucy's Blog
On Words, Music and Purpose
Saturday, December 26, 2020
Rise or Fall?
I think that every nation starts to devolve and fall apart into explosion and ruin after enough time passes. Maybe it's human nature. Maybe the US has been riding the afterglow of its infant idealism and now its starting to turn on itself and crumble, as every great society has done throughout history, only to reform as something else, over and over again. Every more ancient country has endured ebbs of civilizations, free thought and intellect, only to be overrun with tyranny, back and forth, over and over. Many are more humble and less loud-mouthed now than the USA. And that's probably why. Human nature being what it's historically proven itself to be, are we really expecting America to act differently? Please.
Sunday, December 13, 2020
With a Heavy Heart
Friday, December 11, 2020
What We Carry
It really dawns on me more and more sadly that I was brought up in an extended family full of deeply conceited, judgmental and snobby people. It was the recipe for misery and it was soul crushing.
My family's conceit hasn't been earned. It had no real justification. But everything was centered around appearances over all else. I realize that's why certain aunts and uncles looked down on my siblings and myself. So much about us flew in the face of their narcissistic delusions. I saw a lot of it for what it was even as a child, but that didn't make it easier to survive.
You had to live in the right house, drive the right car, own the right things, wear the right clothes, have the right looking body, have the right jobs, follow the right trends.... and generally behave like life was built on high school popularity parameters. If you were a waitress, a service person, if you dressed or acted outside the norm, chose to live small, alternatively, simply, non materialistically or just plain looked different.... something was wrong with you or you weren't good enough. Therefore, living in a run down hell of a home like I did, wearing crappy clothes, being without parents, the feelings of shame and inadequacy were unspoken...but constant. My brother and sister and I just didn't fit in. We were an ugly blemish. We shouldn't have existed, in some of their minds, but there we were... the family scandal. We felt it. It shaped us.
I think my family's behavior was a lot of overcompensation. A lot of them were people who didn't evolve or accomplish anything real with their lives and they were deeply screwed up, so all they had was an eternally aesthetic and materialistic way to feel better about themselves. It's pitiable. But it did a lot if damage.
A lot of them are very much the same, btw.
I told the truth, I stood up to them when I had to, I left their toxicity in the dust geographically. And yet, I spent many many years feeling like I had to live life in a way that proved my worth to them, even after I knew they were a mess and never deserved that power over me. It was programmed into my neurology to accomplish big enough things to try and make them accept me. Even though I moved away, and despite my deliberate rebellions, I still partly avoided living my life on my own terms, according to my own preferences and inclinations, because a part of myself still remained back in Pennsylvania, subconsciously caring about who would look down on me for, say, wanting to live off grid, or in a tiny home. Wanting to live cheaply. Shunning the vapid, narcissistic vanity of my home culture. Working a non impressive sounding job. I mean, being raised in a home and coming from parental circumstances that brought constant shame to the family image really weighed down on my sense of self worth. I was still trying to prove my value....decades later.
I still wrestle with these feelings, though now I recognize them. Not everyone I'm related to is like the above, but a majority of the people I spent my most consequential years with were. So many people are like them, because we live in a brutal culture. It expects more of us than we can really shoulder, it demands we take on more than we may ever want. And it trickles down from there, into the veins of our towns, our families. It destroys people and it trains us to destroy the true happiness of our own in the name of pretending you've got it all together, with the proper aesthetics check marked for everyone around you to see. The thing is, I don't know about you, but I'm tired of it. I'm just plain tired...period.
Monday, November 9, 2020
Descending into Madness
A plee to my conservative friends leaving the general public for things like Parler.
I've seen the pro-raping and shooting-people-you-disagree-with messages out there in the right wing world, calling for re-voting an entire election until they like the outcome.
And here's the thing. If our conservative brethren of a more sound mind think, for even a moment, that they can temper that rampant disease within their own demographic and overcome it by themselves....they are in for a terrifying awakening. Psychopaths and sociopaths filled with rage, delusional entitlement, hatred and fearful bigotry do NOT listen to reason. They just kill, they just bully, they strong arm with violent force...and they would take out a rational conservative just as fast as a liberal if they got in the way.
Please see reason. You're helping to create a tragic disaster.
Thursday, November 5, 2020
Inbreeding Thoughts and Breathing Poison
Thursday, September 24, 2020
The World Trade Center
For a few more weeks I'll be looking at the World Trade Center as I go to work. Pretty soon I'll be commuting in the opposite direction, away from New York city. It's funny because in the last almost month I've been working in Hoboken, I haven't taken much time to look around and notice things. I've been so caught up in the stress of this place and the pace of everything, so caught up in my anxiety and the pressing to do lists in my head, that I haven't noticed even the most spectacular things. I finally find myself looking around now like I'm coming out of a haze and noticing a world so foreign to me and everything unique about it. I see the balconies of high-rise luxury apartments. I see the entire Manhattan skyline. I notice just how very close it is to where I am and wonder how I missed that all this time. I wonder how much, if at all, that kind of world will play a part in my life.
#hoboken #manhattan #worldtradecenter
Wednesday, September 16, 2020
Adventures in Hoboken
Manhattan skyline from Hoboken.
Life in the city is a different world entirely from what I'm used to. I love my quiet, my nature and green and space. I've definitely had to get used to a next level degree of stress and driving and people and noise in this region, but it's forcing me to up my a game with regards to how much anxiety I can push through and overcome. My adventures in Hoboken are only temporary, but they have changed me just the same. Had to pull out my inner beast to conquer my fears for this one.
Had another little escapade this morning. When I got to the street where my garage is for work, the police had barricades up blocking access to the road. I ended up basically ignoring the barricades and driving right around them. When I got to the construction workers and cops in the middle of the road, I rolled down my window to talk to them, heard the one guy say, "how'd she get past that?" LMAO. Sheer will, Sir. Plus that huge gap you left on the left hand side. Might want to rethink that layout a little.
They were very nice, surprisingly...let me get into my parking garage. Moved a crane for me and everything. ;)
That's my act of rebellion for the day.
P.S. The bagels here will blow your mind